I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
