Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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