i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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