Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
