I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
