My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize