Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
