I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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