Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
