I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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