i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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