Already got asked if we're dating
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
