I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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