You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
