My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
