he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize