he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
