Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
