Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
