I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
