as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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