Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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