Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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