Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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