I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
