turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize