Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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