every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
