dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
