We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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