I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
