You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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