My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
