I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish my penis had an off switch
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Blood and glitter go together right?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
