Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
