I accidentally had phone sex last night
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
