Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
