You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
