Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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