I cannot find my penis.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
