So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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