he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
