Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
