Pregnant stripper...not hot.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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