You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
