I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
