someone threw a dead crab at me
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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