Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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