He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
