maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
