So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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