How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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