She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
