I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize