I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
