i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
