ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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