we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
