I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
