when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
