i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
