my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
