Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
