I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
