Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize