I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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