Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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