if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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